the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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