did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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