there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
