Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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