I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize