I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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