this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize