R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
