Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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