Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
My ATM looks so different sober.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
