if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you inspire me to be a worse person
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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