I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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