It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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