I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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