Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
