I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
