Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
