Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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