if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
