My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
