they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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