Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
