when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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