I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
