Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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