I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
