last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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