i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
