Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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