Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
The Olympian is in my bed
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
