That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
