Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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