I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
We just shotgunned beers for America
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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