remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
handjob tips. give me some.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
