Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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