I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
