my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
