She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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