just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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