You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
