Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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