listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
