oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
