i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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