...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
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