its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
