Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
