god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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