i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
