I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
