shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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