so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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