Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
