The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
