You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
