Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
