He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
