Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
