Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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