In the future we'll all be gay
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
