So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
This is the prime rib incident all over again
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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